Gosh, I feel really overwhelmed.
I had no intentions to write today; My boys, editing, eating and a hot bath is all I had in my mind.
I don’t really know what I have to say but I know I have to go with it. It’s no secret that I suffer from anxiety. Well, maybe it was a secret? But it isn’t now. I find the ‘easiest’ tasks challenging at times. School run, meeting someone new, going to the supermarket, making a doctors appointment and so on and so forth. But here I am, I am Tash, I am a mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend and I am a photographer. I have always shied away from using that term, ‘photographer’-I felt unworthy or maybe embarrassed?! How could I possibly be a photographer when I can’t manage a food shop?? For instance, I know what’s going on in my overactive mind, in comparison to what I am saying or who I am working with at the time, sometimes they are completely at wars with each other. I could be directing a group shot of 100+ people coming across as outgoing, assertive and confident and inside me, my mind is setting my body on fire with that fear, that doubt, that burning-anxiety.
Every day at some point I feel anxious, I feel everything actually. I am so hypersensitive that I have to mock myself at times just to get by.
This last year has been super challenging, lots of major events have occurred and some have been more positive than others. But I really want to talk about this last fortnight. In summary form because I intend to blog about specifics in the future and if you do read this blog, I want you to enjoy the next few!
The last two weeks I have pushed myself through so many mental barriers, so many fears, so many stifling waves of panic… And I am still here. I literally could not comprehend this time two weeks ago that I would be here right now at this moment, in one piece and with no major negative effects of the events. Amongst many things I have learned that there are people just like me, creatives who worry, just like me. That I can learn, that I can teach, that I am a photographer. Until last week I had never met a photographer, face to face and took nothing but positivity from it. No underhand tactics, no advice or compliments disguised with cutting comments, no cliques, just absolute eye opening, friendly, positive vibes from a group of like minded talented individuals. Individuals who all do the same job, yet are so very different. It gave me clarity.
There is room for all of us, because each of us suit our own personal take on this craft, our own clients and our own lives. Nothing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in creative work, it’s subjective.
Isn’t that awesome?? It is awesome.
I feel proud of myself. Other than my children I have never felt this way before about myself.
I feel thankful that I
suffer from have anxiety, that feeling. This is a new way of looking at it for me. For me it means I will never stop trying to better myself. I will never stop loving the reactions to my images, I will never ever tire of photography, I will always greet you with a bad joke and a ready hand. I will never stop trying to be better at everything today than I was yesterday. My anxiety only adds fuel to the fire that for me is photography.
I used to think that being open about my quirks would be detrimental to my business, but for me saying how I feel is how I live. It’s brought me a client base of great people, friends. People that know I am trying my absolute best at all times. All you can do is try. It’s not a negative, it’s a positive. I truly am my only competition. I don’t need to be like everyone else or liked by everyone else, because good things can only come from good intentions and I have that always.
Below is a snippet of the last two weeks, with detailed entries to follow.
My name is Tash & I am a photographer.
Massive thanks to Dominic, Kate, Alix, Kathryn, Abi, Louise, Stacey, Jonny, Neil, Theo, Bekah, Danny, Nain and my core unit.
What a bloody good fortnight & Happy Easter.